What Do LGBTQ+ Kids Need From Their Parents?

“I was worried about my parents not accepting me for who I am.… I was worried they would stop loving me.”

These words, spoken by a young adult who came out to her parents in her early twenties, sum up the greatest fears of many LGBTQ+ young people.

Coming out can be a stressful and anxiety-producing experience, say experts. In a Child Mind Institute article written by Caroline Miller and backed by clinical expert Paul Mitrani, MD, Ph.D., experts offer suggestions as to how parents can best support their children if they come out as LGBTQ+.

What do children need most from their parents?

According to Dr. Paul Mitrani, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Child Mind Institute, “the most important thing is just being supportive.” Being loved and supported is a protective factor in youth mental health, since “when people feel loved and supported, they are more capable. They have greater resilience.”

As a parent, you may have mixed feelings about finding out you have an LGBTQ+ child, especially if you have religious reservations or worry they will be bullied for their identity. Regardless of your personal feelings, Dr. Mitrani urges, “You want to err on the side of being empathetic and supportive.”

You may need to find a support group to work through your own feelings about this revelation, whether in your religious congregation, a therapist, or a group like PFLAG. PFLAG, according to its website, “is the nation’s largest organization dedicated to supporting, educating, and advocating for LGBTQ+ people and those who love them.”

Keep lines of communication open

Listen. Try not to react in a negative way. Do your best not to shut down conversation. If you don’t know what to say, Dr. Mitrani suggests parents communicate messages like the following to their child: “I’m glad you told me” and “Help me understand what’s going on.” Having the courage to share what they fear might be unwelcome news with their parents shows that children value the relationship.

Clinical psychologist Lauren Latella, Ph.D., adds that listening without judgment is an important form of validation. “If parents either minimize the importance of coming out, or jump right into problem solving,” she says, “it can leave the child feeling undermined.”

Help keep kids safe

You might worry that your child will be treated differently or with hostility. The best way to broach that subject, says Dr. Mitrani, is by asking exploratory questions to discover whether your child is worried about bullying or harassment rather than stating outright, “This is going to be harder for you.”

Whether or not the school environment is supportive, having family support is key, says Katie Green of The Trevor Project, which provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTQ youth. Its mission is to end suicide among LGBTQ+ youth.

When parents talk openly about these issues, parents can help create a safer world for all LGBTQ+ kids, and not just their own. “Being an ambassador for your child and for LGBTQ+ rights has an impact in the community,” says Green. “By being an advocate for your child and speaking with pride about your child’s identity, you’re working to make the world a better place for other young people.”

Try not to be hurt if your child has come out to someone else first

Sometimes parents struggle with the knowledge that their children did not come to them first. Even if it feels unwelcome, this fact is unsurprising. The Trevor Project’s LGBTQ Youth Mental Health Study found that LGBTQ+ youth most often share their sexual orientation with friends first, then other trusted adults, who may or may not be their parents.

Youth can feel reticent to share with their parents for fear of being cut off from financial or housing support. Children can carry the extra burden of worrying about disappointing or hurting their parents. Peers may be more likely to share views about gender identity or sexual orientation, making them a more logical place for youth to begin being vulnerable.

Let your child take the lead in sharing with other family members

“Telling the rest of the family is up to the person who is coming out,” says Green, not the role of parents. “They’ll either have a solid understanding of how they want to proceed or they may not know — just have an open conversation with them and be honest, clear and supportive to help them plan how to move forward. Being respectful of their wishes is a very important element to this conversation,” she adds.

What if you’re worried your child is being unduly influenced by peers? 

Some parents worry that their child’s announcement is simply the result of peer pressure or generational trends.

“Adolescence, when most kids tend to come out, is a time of identity formation,” says Dr. Mitrani. During this time, it is true that many are experimenting with a variety of ways to convey the image they want to project – whether clothing, hairstyles, or music choices – as “they’re trying to find themselves.” While it may be true that sexual orientation and gender identity are in this category, he adds, “My experience is that it’s not in the majority of the cases.”

Read the full article at Child Mind Institute.