Afraid to Say “No” to A Social Invitation? Try This
You receive an invitation to a social event. You really don’t want to go, but you’re afraid to say “no.”
What do you do?
- Say “yes.” (After all, you might not get invited to future events.)
- Go anyway. (Your friend will be hurt/angry/offended if you don’t.)
- Select “Maybe” on the Evite, knowing full well you don’t plan to attend. (That way, even if you don’t circle back and change your reply, you have softened the blow of an outright rejection.)
- Decline the offer.
What if you knew the results of recent research, that declining an invitation does not pose as negative a social ramification as we fear?
A “Brain Matters” article at The Washington Post addresses this common conundrum, highlighting social psychology research to help put our minds at ease so we can accept or decline invitations with freedom.
“What we found over and over is that people overestimated these negative implications,” said Julian Givi, assistant professor of marketing at West Virginia University and co-author of the study.
Not saying “no” comes at a cost
It can be difficult to say “no.” But not saying “no” presents difficulties of its own.
Not responding authentically can actually create more relational damage, causing us to bail out or ghost people later, said Vanessa Bohns, a professor and the chair of organizational behavior at Cornell University who is unaffiliated with the study. Psychology Today defines ghosting someone as “abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation.” The results can be damaging, leaving others feeling hurt, confused, or betrayed.
Overextending yourself when you do not have it in the tank is also costly. “Burnout is definitely a real thing,” Givi said. “It is important to take some time for yourself and just relax.”
Overestimating the negative consequences of declining
Givi and his colleague Colleen Kirk, an associate professor of marketing at New York Institute of Technology, conducted a set of experiments with over 2,000 online participants.
In a variety of situations, whether they were declining social invitations with a friend or from an actual romantic partner, participants consistently overestimated how much hurt or rejection the person inviting would feel.
“We really think people are going to be offended and upset and angry with us when we say no,” said Bohns. “But that tends to be overblown in our minds.”
The research study adds to growing evidence “suggesting that people are not as fragile as we think they are,” Bohns added. “They’re not as judgmental as we think they are.”
How to say “no” to social invitations in a healthy way
In general, socializing with friends is healthy and beneficial to our physical and mental health. So don’t decline invitations across the board. But when you do need to decline, here are some good ways to go about it.
Nix the “maybe” – If you don’t plan to attend an event, don’t leave the host in limbo wondering whether to factor you into the headcount. People often say “maybe” thinking it is a kinder, gentler way of saying “no.” That is not the case. “Maybe” can actually be worse – less thoughtful and less respectful – for people planning events.
Try this template – We often find it difficult to say “no” for fear of looking bad (like we’re not fun or sociable), angering the other person or hurting their feelings, or damaging the relationship, said Bohns. It’s possible to address those challenges in your reply.
She offered a useful formula for declining an invitation, a way to convey that “It’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s not about us.” For example, “I’d love to hang out and it’s great you asked, but I’m exhausted and want to stay home.”
Offer an alternative activity in reply – You can always say, “No, but….” If you decline a proposed activity, try offering another at a future date. “That way you’re still engaging with the person,” said Givi.
Finding ways to respond authentically can take some work, but learning to say “yes” and “no” with freedom can strengthen your relationships.
Richard Sima is a “neuroscientist turned award-winning science journalist” who writes the “Brain Matters” column for The Washington Post. Read his full article here.
Sima, Richard. “How to say ‘no’ to social invitations.” The Washington Post, 25 Jan 2024, https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/01/25/social-invitations-saying-no-tips/
Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash