At a time when many teens are struggling with their mental health, the pressure of the college admissions process can throw them for a loop. The process of applying to colleges can be stressful. Then comes the waiting, which is also stressful. And when the letters arrive – some positive, others negative – they can unleash a slew of emotions. Acceptance letters are the occasion for joy. Rejections can be devastating.

How can students – and their parents – maintain proper perspective throughout the college application process? An article at VeryWellMind.com lays out helpful tips from parents and educational experts to help keep the pressure down, support students’ mental health, and think rightly about the future.

Many young people feel as though they are on a hamster wheel of activity preparing for college. The process of taking tests and writing essays and applying can be exhausting and pressure-filled. “I know the disappointment of not getting into your first-choice school has a tremendous impact on student mental health. Many of these kids have taken every possible advanced class, devoted countless hours to their extracurricular activities, and shelled out extra money for test prep tutors. Finding out that it was all not enough can be very depressing,” notes mom and homeschool teacher, Jana Strickland. “The demand for certain ‘must have’ colleges drives the stress and anxiety through the roof for parents and kids,” she adds.

How can parents help? Start by setting realistic expectations when choosing where to apply to college. Many universities admit a tiny fraction of even highly-qualified candidates. That means the vast majority of students who apply receive rejection letters. In some cases, 95 out of a hundred.

When students are not accepted to the college they hoped, those rejection letters can undermine student confidence and cause them to question themselves or compare themselves to others. Neither is helpful. In reality, comparisons are absolutely useless.

Mary Alvord, PhD, co-author of Conquer Negative Thinking for Teens, explains, “When you’re competing, parents and teens need to keep in mind that there are many factors. If your friend gets into a school and you don’t, that doesn’t mean that you’re less than.” Students may have no way of ever knowing what factors played into acceptance decisions, which can feel understandably frustrating.

For some students, when they are not admitted to the college of their hopes and dreams, she explains, “It’s almost like a grief reaction; it’s like ‘I’m not meeting expectations.’”

What is important to understand is that an acceptance letter does not confer value. Nor can a rejection letter take it away. A wise teacher once noted, a test does not define you. Similarly, a rejection does not define you. No letter or test score or grade could ever define you.

Disappointment is understandable. We are human. And on a human level, rejection stings. But at such times, “parents need to validate the kids’ feelings and not add to the stress,” Alvord notes. Acknowledging the genuine disappointment can be coupled with emphasizing the other wonderful schools out there or other paths they had not considered. A rejection is not a catastrophe. It’s more like a traffic signal, pointing not this way, or at least not yet. Community colleges are an outstanding option, and they sometimes provide a pathway to four-year institutions that are initially out of reach. The way parents respond – with empathy and encouragement – can make “a profound difference.”

So what to keep in mind? “First and foremost, keep perspective. There is no perfect college,” Strickland concludes. There are nearly four thousand institutions of higher learning in the United States alone. The “right” college or university is one where you can learn and grow academically and as a person over the next leg of your journey.

As you jump through the hoops of the college app process, remember that there is only one you, this is your life, and you are enough. Applying for college is like knocking on doors. Some doors will remain closed, but the right one will open.

Fleming, LaKeisha. “Reflections on the College Applications Process and Mental Health.” VeryWellMind.com, 24 May 2022, https://www.verywellmind.com/the-mental-health-impact-of-college-applications-5271564.

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