Feeling Lonely? Five Ways to Build One Friendship This Year
Friendships are key to flourishing in life. The Harvard Study of Adult Development – the world’s longest scientific study of happiness, which explored the question “What Makes a Good Life?” – has found that close relationships are the most crucial factor in personal well-being, with quality over quantity counting the most.
Research shows that even more than romantic relationships, friendships have a positive impact on physical and mental health, as “large social networks lower our risk of premature death more than exercise or dieting alone.” One six-year-long study of middle-aged men “found having a life partner didn’t affect the risk of heart attack or fatal coronary heart disease — but having friends did.”
Which is all good and well, if you’ve got all the friends you can manage. But what if you’re craving more friendship? How do you make a new friend or reconnect with an old one?
In an advice article for The Washington Post, psychotherapist Emma Nadler shares an antidote to loneliness, laying out “five ways to build or enhance one close friendship this year.”
By starting small, you increase your odds of success, Nadler encourages. “One friend a year is manageable, yet could lead to three friends in three years and a handful of friends in five,” she notes. You can even start with someone you already know.
- Get back in touch with someone
Juggling the demands of school, work, and the pace of modern life, it’s easy to fall out of touch. Don’t waste time feeling bad about it, she urges: “Instead of berating yourself for past mistakes, focus on how you want to show up now.”
How you reach out is up to you. Call, text, write a note, or even send a postcard. But do something to let your friend know you are thinking about them and you care.
Nina Badzin, host of the podcast “Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship,” recommends using the voice memo on your phone to record a short message to send. It’s a great option if you’re shy about phone calls but want a more personal touch than a text message.
- Be specific in your request to connect
“’Let’s hang out sometime’ does not lead to a closer friendship,” says Nadler. “But, ‘Hey, are you free any Sunday this month for a coffee or brunch’ could.” Vague generalities won’t seal the deal. Most everyone would rather have someone else initiate, because it feels safer than putting yourself out there. But “if you want meaningful rapport, you need to reach out, as scary or uncomfortable as that might be,” she says.
You might try inviting someone to something new, like visiting a museum or attending a concert. Relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel suggests on the “Ten Percent Happier” podcast: “When you buy tickets for a concert, buy two.”
- Pursue a friendship with someone who is available
Find someone who is looking for closer friendship as well, who has energy, time and interest to invest. “Just like in a romantic partnership, pouring energy into an emotionally unavailable person will lead to disconnection,” says Nadler, so watch how others respond to your invitations. If they are unavailable at the time you propose, do they suggest an alternative date or put off a get-together into the far-distant future?
Try not to take it personally if your friend is unavailable to invest in this season of life, but also don’t try too hard with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to reciprocate your interest.
- Find a regular time to hang out
Build friendship into the schedule of your life, whether by walking or working out together, sharing a creative interest, or getting involved in a cultural or religious community. Nadler shares how she and a friend (whom she’d known for a decade) committed to a weekly Friday morning walk, no matter the weather. “Our increased time together has brought us much closer,” says Nadler, “which is positively correlated in research about friendship.”
Not only does additional time together strengthen friendships, but there’s something about regular meetings – whether weekly or monthly – that “add to a sense of well-being, structure and belonging” in our lives. Structure saves brain power, Nadler explains, as “when you create something recurring, you reduce the mental load of coordination, which frees up time and energy for your relationships.”
- Engage fully in the present and offer appreciation
Put your phone away. Engaging fully, giving someone your full attention, is “a rare offering in today’s world,” says Nadler. Be curious about your companion’s life. Ask questions. “What most humans crave is to be seen and heard,” says Nadler.
Opening up about your inner world in return will help build the friendship you long for. And don’t forget to express appreciation, which strengthens your bond.
By taking risks, initiating, and investing in quality time with another, it is possible to expand your relationships in ways that make your life richer – and happier – than it is now.
Read the full article here.
Nadler, Emma. “A loneliness cure – make one friend a year.” The Washington Post, 16 Feb 2024, https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/02/16/how-to-make-close-friends-tips/.
Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash